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written on November 04, 2009 @ 6:36 pm

Feelin' a bit

at the moment.

I want to talk to my dad. Or rather, I NEED to talk to him. After this round of midterms, plus being sick, I feel like there's so much that I need to consult him about. I don't know about going to grad school anymore. School is draining so much energy out of me. I am so effing tired.

The thing is, he has so much expectations for me, that I don't know what he'll say if I tell him I don't want to keep studying. Part of me thinks that he'll be okay with whatever choice I make, and support my decision. Actually, I know he'll do that, but I am also sure that he will be at least a bit disappointed. I really don't want to tell him that the past 4 years that I've spent at school probably served absolutely no purpose, and that the degree I'm getting will likely not do much for me. I really don't want to admit that I wasted these years and all this money to build on a stupid risk, only to realize at the end that I screwed over myself. I wanted him to be proud of me, not worry about me. But right now, it seems like all I am doing is sinking deeper and deeper to the point of no return and going back to the beginning at the end. There is no hope.

Then again, my dad is a very reasonable person, and I don't think I'll feel too pressured talking to him about this. I have a feeling that once I start talking, I'll just spill everything. The outcome shall be revealed when I go home this weekend.

Derek's birthday gathering is in about an hour. I love planning these group outings, and today, I actually feel like I'll be happy being there. Can't wait to see you all again, even though I just saw you 2 hours ago :)