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oneword
my one word

written on November 20, 2009 @ 2:45 pm

Feelin' a bit

at the moment.

Being in nano and enjoying it is a lie. I don't know why every instrumentation class seems to give me some new insight Maybe it's because of Om and Peter's annoying voices. Maybe it's because of the questions that people ask that I don't give a damn about.

I often say that my classmates are overachieving and too keen, when in reality, it is me who is not keen enough. Then again, it is also because of this that I realize that competition is stupid if I try to keep up, especially if I try to keep up with something that doesn't interest me anymore. Competition used to not be an issue for me in highschool, but in university, I found out that I had to put in a huge amount of effort to be near the top of the class. Then I realized that NOT being at the top of the class doesn't really matter to me. I don't even need to bother trying. It's trivial and the effort, if any, is futile.

For example, bio assignment. I think all I did was the bare minimum, even though bio is my favourite core course this term. 2.5 pages, slept at 4am, it was quite enough for me. I came to class today finding out that people wrote 6-9 pages for the assignment. And it's a stupid emergency assignment with a "design component" that was made up to satisfy those effing admins up there who are desperately trying to get this program accredited. I still like Frank Gu and think he's an awesome prof, but this assignment is quite overkill. I already botched the midterm, and this assignment is probably gonna leave another negative impression, skewing the chances of doing research project with him. Do I really care? Yes, 'cause I respect Frank as a prof and want him to think the best of me. But do I REALLY care overall when it all comes down to the program? No.

Another thing is, being in engineering so long almost makes me think I'm better than people in arts. This disgusts me, because I hold true to my view that no one faculty is superior to another. In French class today, I was almost a little too irritated by the way some of my classmates behaved. It almost gave me that sense of "engineering is better than arts" that all the hardcore engineering students have been bragging about constantly. ALMOST. Then I slapped myself mentally and discarded the thought immediately. What an utterly disgusting thought. Effing propaganda. That's why sometimes I really hate the people in engineering.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I believe that I would have done better in arts. Maybe go into psychology or journalism or language or something. Instead of staring at pages of numbers and equations, I'd be staring at pages and pages of beautiful words that mean something to me. Stupid expectations. I always felt like I had to go into the sciences because I'd end up with a better job and a better future. What a lie.

Those epiphanies yesterday don't make things any better either. Apathy kills.